Families, Feelings & Regret

Today’s blog is about family and communication. A lot of times in our lives we want to speak and communicate with our family in ways that we are afraid to do and this procrastination may often times leave many important things left unsaid. The important things I speak of are our feelings and emotions about events that have taken place in the past. Closure is needed in order for people to move on with their lives or to just be happier about the relationships within their families. A lot of times when people finally do decide to communicate it is either too late because the person is deceased or on their death bed. And when a person finally does communicate and does it successfully they regret not doing it sooner and chide themselves for all the time wasted by not facing their family members.

My father told me a very heartfelt story about him and my grandfather. And to make a long story short my father regretted not telling my grandfather, before he died, about his feelings of disappointment about something he felt my grandfather should have done after he was wounded in Vietnam. My father also discovered later from my grandmother that my grandfather had some feelings too about certain topics he had never communicated to my father. The story really touched me and made me realize how hard it is to discuss things with people you love and it hit close to home for me because I have a hard time communicating with certain family members who I want a closer relationship with. The main person who I would like to have a closer relationship with is my grandmother but every time I talk to her I am always fearful of not knowing what to say to her. I have this horrible fear of not having enough to say to people and it is something that plagues me deeply. My fear is the awkward silences that can result if I don’t have anything meaningful to say or can’t carry the conversation and while it is very cowardly of me, nonetheless, it is an anxiety I have.

 My grandmother sometimes tells me she is surprised when I call and I feel bad because I know my inability to communicate with her stems from my weaknesses but my fear has been stronger than my will to have a relationship with her. In this New Year I will try harder to communicate with the people I love and who have helped me get to where I am today. I have a lot to lose by not cultivating familial relationships and sometimes it is painful to think about how my fears keep me from doing it. Hopefully, for my sake, my fears are not as powerful as I think it is.